If you’re considering leaving an abusive or controlling partner — or if you’ve already done it — it’s important to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for the tactics he’s likely to use to try to lure you back in.
Even though it’s very hard to leave an abusive partner, the tough reality is that staying away from him is often even harder. You can increase your chance of succeeding by getting ready for what’s coming.
You can pretty well count on it that he’ll try at least one of the following maneuvers, and maybe all of them:
He acts helpless and victimized; he stops eating, stops taking care of his appearance, doesn’t go out to do anything, and sends you the message (whether in words or just through his actions) that he can’t live without you. He makes sure that other people know how devastated he is and how much he loves you.
Here are some things to tell yourself if he acts this way:
1) You couldn’t make him happy before, so why on earth would you be able to make him happy now? As soon as you’re back together, he’ll only see what’s wrong with you.
2) Your life cannot and should not be sacrificed to his. In fact, his whole abuse problem comes from the fact that he believes your should give up your life for him. So the whole message that he’s giving you now — that you should be with him even though you really don’t want to be — is the perfect indication that he hasn’t changed at all.
3) If he kills himself (which is extremely unlikely — abusers rarely carry through on threat) it will be very sad indeed. But if you go back to him, then you’re killing yourself (in effect), so that wouldn’t be any better.
If he’s threatening suicide, the most important danger to be aware of is the danger to you, not the danger to him. Abusers who threaten suicide sometimes carry out very violent acts against the woman. So work with a hotline on making a safety plan for yourself, and make your own well-being — and the well-being of your children if you have kids — your highest priority.
He quickly gets involved with someone else, and seems to treat the new partner like gold.
It’s hard to stay strong in the face of this routine. Remind yourself that it’s totally fake — this is how he was toward you in the early days also, right? And this is even more fake than that; he’s quickly collected this new partner precisely to hurt you and to make you tempted to get back with him.
He’s using her. And before long she’ll start to be the target of his abusive behavior herself.
He doesn’t let you get any space from him. He calls or texts constantly, saying he “just wants to talk,” or saying, “I know it’s over but I just want to be friends.” He’s perhaps also manipulating friends or relatives into pressuring you by making them feel bad for him.
Remind yourself that the fact that he refuses to respect your limits and boundaries is a big part of what his problem is all about. If he really cared about you the way he claims to — instead of just caring about himself — he’d give you the space you need.
He’s not acting this way because of how much he loves you (I hate to say it, but it’s true); he’s doing it because he so desperately wants to control you, and because he thinks he owns you.
He gets scary or intimidating, showing up places unexpectedly or making threats or spreading lies about you. But, through his twisted way of thinking and behaving, he says he’s doing these things because he loves you so much.
My comments to the last point pretty much cover this one too. Call a hotline — in fact do so often — to get frequent support and to strategize about how best to stay safe from him.
Remember, abusive behavior is never a sign of love; it’s a sign of selfishness, of an ownership mentality, of entitlement, and of a propensity for violence and power.
He acts sweeter than he has in a long time, he seems very changed, he stops drinking, he says he’s really serious about treating you better this time. And it seems like he really means it.
And maybe he genuinely does mean it. But the thing is it won’t make any difference. Abusive men who make serious, heartfelt promises to change don’t follow through on those promises any more than abusers who make fake promises do.
If he’s really serious about changing, he’ll accept a three-to-six month period of no contact with you, during which he will:
— remain single, and do so even if you’re dating
— not say anything bad about you to anyone
— not tell you that you need to look at your part in it all
— not make any excuses to talk to you or send messages
— get himself into an abuser program if there is one anywhere around
— accept it if, at the end of that period, you still don’t want to get back with him, and not give you any verbal abuse about that
If he violates even a single one of these you can be certain that he isn’t serious about changing, so then there’s no need to put any more energy into wondering whether he is or not.
Get yourself ready for him to pull this stuff, and your chances of succeeding on getting free will be much better. The key question isn’t, “Is he going to change?” It is, instead, “What kind of life do I want to live, and how do I get there?”
I’m so glad you are blogging now! Please keep posting!
I’m not sure if you’ll get this or can reply but why is my abuser acting like he doesn’t care that I left him? At first he was doing the whole nicey nice, like oh im glad we can at least be friends and texting me constantly, not really respecting my boundaries. But when I tried to express how I felt about how I was worried his abusive behavior might lead to him hitting me, he became enraged, calling me the abusive one and saying all these awful things like he’s glad we broke up etc. So I cussed him out and blocked him on everything, its been almost a month now of No contact and I haven’t heard a peep. Its a bit unnerving and I’m really surprised he hasn’t tried finding some way to contact me… So does he just completely not care that its over, is he respecting my boundaries, or is this some sort of tactic to punish me and have control over the situation further? Do you think he will try to contact me again in the future or is it possible he’s decided to just leave me alone? Its 2020 and he could easily find some way to contact me with a texting app or something so its just eerily quiet to me… I thought maybe he may try to apologize or something at least but nothing. I know its for the best but for some odd reason I feel sort of hurt by it which makes me feel in a way like he’s still controlling me somehow… Just curious what your thoughts are on this. By the way, thank you for writing such an amazing book. My domestic violence counselor suggested I read it and it has helped a lot. I still have my days where I struggle a lot because my self esteem has been destroyed but reading your book has helped immensely. You’re a genius!
I don’t know if you’ll get this but I’m in the exact same boat!!!!! My ex exploded when he arrived home to an empty flat (I fled along with the furniture and animals) After three years of abuse I couldn’t take it anymore. He has done the exact same thing. Seems to be perfectly fine! Back in AA meetings and “sticking tight” (as he calls it) to his buddies…. He is extremely controlling and jealous. In the past whenever we had a fight and I would leave he would somehow find me. I would have to turn my phone off because I would have a tirade of abusive messages followed by call after call. So imagine my anxiety as all “seems” to be quiet… I have the occasional email from him like “oh, what would you like me to do with your mail?” It’s so bizarre. It’s unnerving …. I feel like he’s on the verge of exploding or is this a tactic to hurt me. Make me feel disposable? I can’t lie it hurts. I left because I had to not because I wanted to. I guess I’ll have to wait and see. He’s so unpredictable it’s hard to know his next move.
I run a domestic violence program and we constantly struggle with this issue. Victims return to their abusers time and time again…..or they find a new one at about the four month mark of receiving services from us. Currently in our DV support group we have tossed the workbook we created to review your book Why Does He Do That?. The women love the book and I’m hopeful that it will make a bigger impact with them. Of course we will need to return to the workbook at some point so we can talk about healthy relationships, healthy communication, healing, etc. After the initial crisis intervention phase of our services we work on this very issue ALOT. I know that processing what happened to them and healing takes a lot of time but we often don’t have that kind of time before they return or enter another abusive relationship. We are trying to balance the avoidance of overwhelming them with services and information with getting them the information they need to stay safe so they have the time and freedom to process and heal. I am hopeful that in the future you will address this balance we need to achieve to better help the women that seek our services.
Unfortunately, it takes a bit longer than is best to really see that unless he meets the above points, he will NEVER EVER change. If you are reading Lundy Bancroft’s books, blogs, do not stop – even when you are free.
I’m not sure if you’ll get this or can reply but why is my abuser acting like he doesn’t care that I left him? At first he was doing the whole nicey nice, like oh im glad we can at least be friends and texting me constantly, not really respecting my boundaries. But when I tried to express how I felt about how I was worried his abusive behavior might lead to him hitting me, he became enraged, calling me the abusive one and saying all these awful things like he’s glad we broke up etc. So I cussed him out and blocked him on everything, its been almost a month now of No contact and I haven’t heard a peep. Its a bit unnerving and I’m really surprised he hasn’t tried finding some way to contact me… So does he just completely not care that its over, is he respecting my boundaries, or is this some sort of tactic to punish me and have control over the situation further? Do you think he will try to contact me again in the future or is it possible he’s decided to just leave me alone? Its 2020 and he could easily find some way to contact me with a texting app or something so its just eerily quiet to me… I thought maybe he may try to apologize or something at least but nothing. I know its for the best but for some odd reason I feel sort of hurt by it which makes me feel in a way like he’s still controlling me somehow because I know I don’t want him back, so why is it still making me sad on top of that? … Just curious what your thoughts are on this. By the way, thank you for writing such an amazing book. My domestic violence counselor suggested I read it and it has helped a lot. I still have my days where I struggle a lot because my self esteem has been destroyed but reading your book has helped immensely. You’re a genius!
He is definitely trying to dispel his bad behavior and make you feel compelled to message him. Whatever he does, please for your life and happiness. He can pretend for a short period to have “really changed” but it will go back to the usual abuse within days, weeks, or months. It’s an illusion. If your gut says this isn’t right but your brain or heart enjoys the good times, please listen to your gut. Sadly some victims haven’t escaped in time and are struck by death in extreme circumstances. Others deal being with their abuser for life, not a very pleasant life to live. Do not be with him, cut cords with him. Abusers know how to make you happy and how to make you sad, they know how to control others!
Great post – I needed to see this after leaving my verbally and emotionally abusive ex. After days of messaging and calls (I never picked up his calls but occasionally responded to his messages), he finally persuaded me to meet up with him in a public place. I did, and he did much of the above – promises of change, promises of entering therapy, quitting drinking, promising that he’ll never yell at me, belittle me, or cuss me out again. He would also blame me for his abuse, believing I was cheating on him (when I wasn’t, I barely spoke to other men while we were together, and especially after he expressed discomfort), “making” him angry and stressing him out, driving him to lash out and drink alcohol and do drugs. Loads of double standards with him too.
He’s absolutely not respecting my wish to be apart for a few months while we work on ourselves individually. I even said I would go to couples counseling if he can really prove he’s serious about making a change, but we needed time apart. Saying he can’t live without me and what’s the point of doing these things he didn’t want to do (going to therapy, drinking) if I wasn’t going to stay with him.
Even said that if I come back, if he ever backslides, he won’t blame me for leaving and he’ll leave me alone after that. He asked for a second chance – when really, he’s had hundreds of chances where I forgave him for his bad behavior time and time again. I’m feeling weakened by my most recent meeting with him – my brain and heart says maybe he’s telling the truth and he’s willing to do the work, but my gut says DON’T LOOK BACK.
its been almost 2 years since my abuser left me. He used to email me when his new gf was in the hospital to ask me to meet up with him so he could apologize. he purposely treats her better than he treated me and it hurts. They don’t change, like really change. nor do they care, they aren’t really sorry for anything they do..