(This tirade is a little different from the more measured writing you may be accustomed to from me, so take a deep breath. The piece is in two parts, both of which are below.)
Part 1
The abusive man learns early in life, from his surrounding society and beyond, that when he becomes an adult he has the right to swallow a female whole, and that in this way he will fill the vast emptiness inside of him and feel empty no more. He learns that the female of his choosing owes him her life entire in this fashion, that it would be wrong of her to fail to sacrifice her life and herself in this way. Not only that, but he learns that this self-erasure will be her greatest joy.
He gets these messages all over the place, from his own unhealthy relatives all the way up to police responses, courts, and Disney movies.
All of what he learns is a lie. It is a moral lie, meaning it’s a lie about what’s right and what’s wrong; no woman’s life should ever by martyred to fill a man’s (or anyone’s) emptiness. But not only should this not be done, it also cannot be done. Thus it is not only a moral lie but also a lie about the nature of reality. A human being cannot be vacuumed into the inside of another person and become part of that person, in some kind of twisted reversal of the birth process. It’s absurd that it’s even necessary for me to state this.
The abusive man hates the woman for continuing to exist outside of him. No matter how hard she may try, in her terror and in her trauma, to disappear inside of him, she simply cannot do it. (And if she gets some support in her life, she may even attempt to refuse to continue trying.) He hates her for this, for still being there, because he was taught that to disappear inside of him is her unlimited obligation and will make him whole.
When you find yourself wondering why the abuser hates you – as most abused women do at one point or another – this is why: because you continue to breathe, because you have skin, because you eat food and then move with the energy of that food, because by getting out of bed and standing up in the morning you have once again demonstrated your failure to become him.
Though he blames his hatred on your characteristics — your supposed failings, that is — these have absolutely nothing to with it. It has only to do with the fact of your continued being. He will only forgive you when he finally succeeds in cleaving you into pieces and vacuuming those pieces into his interior, which he will of course never be able to do.
So I encourage you to stop wondering if it was this thing about you or that thing about you, this thing you said or that thing you did, this thing you set off in him or that thing you brought up in him, which caused him to come to hate you. What’s going on with him has nothing to do with you at all, it’s entirely about him and about his society.
I pray that you find a way to get beyond the reach of his cleaver, beyond the sucking pull of his vacuum hose.
And I pray that you find a world that will permit and accept your escape.
Part 2
But here is a big problem: significant parts of his world are not willing yet to allow a woman to escape her personal male vacuum. Remember, this is the world that taught him these views to begin with.
So for example – as untold thousands of you know from experience – the Legal Authorities, the ones that have the power of life and death over children, often declare that if the woman escapes the man, she must be punished with the Ultimate Punishment: she must turn her beloved children, the beings she most adores in the world, over to this cleaver-and-vacuum, so that the abuser can chop and suck them up, not to fill his emptiness but to get revenge on her for escaping him, for not being engulfed.
Stunningly, this nefarious Court will be deeply proud and self-righteous about having done this. Judges, evaluators, GAL’s, will all believe that committing this atrocity actually proves their greater maturity and moral superiority.
I pray that this does not happen, is not already happening, to you and your children.
Nothing short of a women’s revolution is going to stop this, stop all of it, put an end to the erasure of women.
The above prose poem or manifesto or rant, or whatever you choose to call it, was written as I attempted to digest separate conversations I had with L. and with M. as people were leaving the March 2020 “The Life That Awaits You” retreat. I’m not the first person to write a description of the above realities. Many women and a few men before me have expressed similar dark but real, and I hope ultimately liberating, visions.
[** I’ll be back soon with more entries in the “Current State of Domestic Violence” series that many of you have been following. **]
Woman with wings photo by Ava Sol on Unsplash
Courthouse photo by Claire Anderson on Unsplash
Thank you, this is incredibly timely and I appreciate your continued support through prose.
Dear Lundy Bancroft
Once again, I applaud your unapologetic refusal to quietly tolerate the mistreatment of women. I sometimes wish I could get certain acquaintances of mine to understand this. I realize one can only understand what they are prepared to accept.
Thank you for being our voice so many times. God bless you!
It’s happening to me. The GAL and appointed psychologist accept all his lies and believe nothing I say. The judge in an emergency hearing gave him 30 days with no contact from me. My ex won’t even allow my family to contact the girls. He got temporary primary custody until the final hearing, which is yet to be scheduled because of COVID 19. He now has final say in everything. I only get visitation. Before this I was the primary care giver for all my daughters. Now a stranger step mother is ‘taking care’ of them. I am devastated.
This blog is so true!
Your book helped me to get out and stay out for over 10 years! Thank you on behalf of those that are trying to understand this world and those that are on the inside trying to get out. Keep up the good work!
Well said
Dear Lundy, thank you a million for this writing. It all makes sense and answers our endless wonderings 🙁 My abusive ex partner has “moved on” and remarried, yet still hates me to no end… and uses our children just as you described… I pray for A life free of him… Forever grateful for you and all that you do for battered women. What blessing it is to have found you and your work, and your words that guide us and encourages us. May you live long, healthy and happy life and continue to save millions more hearts and lives. ??
Would you suggest then that the way he treats our daughter is because he’s angry at me? I managed to leave with my kids in 2000 after my son completed suicide. My daughter is now 26 years old and gets completely fucked up everytime she sees him.
Christie Thomas
christiethomas177@gmail.com
Absolutely, they loathe themselves so anyone they come across will feel their wrath.
My husband attacked my 22 year old stepson today , so harshly ….I know it has alot to do with me leaving him 3 weeks ago….after 14 years of abuse….so I too fear for my little boys as at some point they too will be treated the same…..my eldest stepson 28 cut all ties with him after he always made him feel inadequate.
yes he hates me because he likes to push me around and thinks hes right at all things in life when it takes 2 people to work out a problem
Lundy, you mentioned the possible description ‘prose-poem,’ and I’m glad, because I was going to say – you told me you write about a poem a year, and if this isn’t it, you should make that two. What a gorgeous, powerful, gripping and accurate poetic painting. I hope you write this way more and more! It’s a language the heart understands, tries to speak.
Lundy, wow! Tirade, rant, prose, your books..no matter your approach, God you just GET it. Spot on. I cannot begin to tell you how validating it is to have your words, your voice—telling it, feeling it, and raging about it. I’m so grateful to have made it to the March 2020 retreat, and that we all barely “snuck it in” before the entire world shifted and travel halted. Keep it coming!
Domestic terrorism – is the real virus. I’m curious if you could speak to these situations where a mom has been alienated and estranged after the husband/ now former husband abducted and kidnapped our minor daughters. He claimed abuse then neglect and was able to use state funding in Texas for his getaway while preventing me from using funding for legal aide after being a 18 year stay at home mom and as a primary full time caregiver for our special needs child. I was left with no financial means, and no transportation and he was able to use legal aide with his job thus causing preventing me to use legal aid due to a conflict of interest. He abducted and kidnapped our daughters and he and the system has estranged our daughters from me for over three years while he kidnapped them to another state. Our handicapped daughters health regressed and beyond declined. What a horrific form of domestic terrorism and psychological trauma abuse.
Dear Dr. Bancroft,
I am separated ten months from a man described EXACTLY in your book “Why does he do that?” I gave him my purity, my innocence, my fidelity, my trust, my forgiveness, and four wonderful, successful children. It was a forty year relationship starting in my teen years and a thirty four year marriage. I was his prey, being seven years younger! I finally walked away with the BLESSING and SUPPORT of all the children, who also are at their limit and have cut him out of their lives. I was the abused spouse EXACTLY like you stated in your book. He leaned heavily on religion to justify his abuse of me and our children. Up until a year ago I was still making the daily painful effort to stay in the marriage in order to please God, but my children all counseled me to end it. They are grown and don’t see my need to sacrifice to keep the family together anymore.
I bought your books “Why does he do that”, “Daily Wisdom”, and “When dad hurts mom” in print plus in audio. They are helping me me each day to leech guilt out of me bit by bit. I am determined to enjoy the rest of my life. I am free!
THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart.
Well, you are doing a good job waging a war with your words! Your books helped me sort through the greatest trial of my life. As far as fixing the situation, they say an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. I have been condensing my daily journal entries into a book about my 14-year marriage to an emotionally abusive man. I hope it is entertaining and subtly educational. We need to empower teenagers and young adults to decide they will not accept poor treatment! I would love to collaborate with you if you are interested.