(This tirade is a little different from the more measured writing you may be accustomed to from me, so take a deep breath. The piece is in two parts, both of which are below.)
Part 1
The abusive man learns early in life, from his surrounding society and beyond, that when he becomes an adult he has the right to swallow a female whole, and that in this way he will fill the vast emptiness inside of him and feel empty no more. He learns that the female of his choosing owes him her life entire in this fashion, that it would be wrong of her to fail to sacrifice her life and herself in this way. Not only that, but he learns that this self-erasure will be her greatest joy.
He gets these messages all over the place, from his own unhealthy relatives all the way up to police responses, courts, and Disney movies.
All of what he learns is a lie. It is a moral lie, meaning it’s a lie about what’s right and what’s wrong; no woman’s life should ever by martyred to fill a man’s (or anyone’s) emptiness. But not only should this not be done, it also cannot be done. Thus it is not only a moral lie but also a lie about the nature of reality. A human being cannot be vacuumed into the inside of another person and become part of that person, in some kind of twisted reversal of the birth process. It’s absurd that it’s even necessary for me to state this.
The abusive man hates the woman for continuing to exist outside of him. No matter how hard she may try, in her terror and in her trauma, to disappear inside of him, she simply cannot do it. (And if she gets some support in her life, she may even attempt to refuse to continue trying.) He hates her for this, for still being there, because he was taught that to disappear inside of him is her unlimited obligation and will make him whole.
When you find yourself wondering why the abuser hates you – as most abused women do at one point or another – this is why: because you continue to breathe, because you have skin, because you eat food and then move with the energy of that food, because by getting out of bed and standing up in the morning you have once again demonstrated your failure to become him.
Though he blames his hatred on your characteristics — your supposed failings, that is — these have absolutely nothing to with it. It has only to do with the fact of your continued being. He will only forgive you when he finally succeeds in cleaving you into pieces and vacuuming those pieces into his interior, which he will of course never be able to do.
So I encourage you to stop wondering if it was this thing about you or that thing about you, this thing you said or that thing you did, this thing you set off in him or that thing you brought up in him, which caused him to come to hate you. What’s going on with him has nothing to do with you at all, it’s entirely about him and about his society.
I pray that you find a way to get beyond the reach of his cleaver, beyond the sucking pull of his vacuum hose.
And I pray that you find a world that will permit and accept your escape.
Part 2
But here is a big problem: significant parts of his world are not willing yet to allow a woman to escape her personal male vacuum. Remember, this is the world that taught him these views to begin with.
So for example – as untold thousands of you know from experience – the Legal Authorities, the ones that have the power of life and death over children, often declare that if the woman escapes the man, she must be punished with the Ultimate Punishment: she must turn her beloved children, the beings she most adores in the world, over to this cleaver-and-vacuum, so that the abuser can chop and suck them up, not to fill his emptiness but to get revenge on her for escaping him, for not being engulfed.
Stunningly, this nefarious Court will be deeply proud and self-righteous about having done this. Judges, evaluators, GAL’s, will all believe that committing this atrocity actually proves their greater maturity and moral superiority.
I pray that this does not happen, is not already happening, to you and your children.
Nothing short of a women’s revolution is going to stop this, stop all of it, put an end to the erasure of women.
The above prose poem or manifesto or rant, or whatever you choose to call it, was written as I attempted to digest separate conversations I had with L. and with M. as people were leaving the March 2020 “The Life That Awaits You” retreat. I’m not the first person to write a description of the above realities. Many women and a few men before me have expressed similar dark but real, and I hope ultimately liberating, visions.
[** I’ll be back soon with more entries in the “Current State of Domestic Violence” series that many of you have been following. **]
Woman with wings photo by Ava Sol on Unsplash
Courthouse photo by Claire Anderson on Unsplash
Thank you, this is incredibly timely and I appreciate your continued support through prose.
Dear Lundy Bancroft
Once again, I applaud your unapologetic refusal to quietly tolerate the mistreatment of women. I sometimes wish I could get certain acquaintances of mine to understand this. I realize one can only understand what they are prepared to accept.
Thank you for being our voice so many times. God bless you!
It’s happening to me. The GAL and appointed psychologist accept all his lies and believe nothing I say. The judge in an emergency hearing gave him 30 days with no contact from me. My ex won’t even allow my family to contact the girls. He got temporary primary custody until the final hearing, which is yet to be scheduled because of COVID 19. He now has final say in everything. I only get visitation. Before this I was the primary care giver for all my daughters. Now a stranger step mother is ‘taking care’ of them. I am devastated.
Thank you Lundy for the informative books, blogs etc.
In my particular case the other parent had filed numerous court papers in order of gaining “control” and an upper hand in the situation.( using an ex parte after filing for paternity that because of the toxic relationship and fear of threats/ emotional blackmail and reactions to the form of psychological abuse I endured that were only used against me.
Gaslighting which is insidious by ALL means has occurred through out the whole relationship intensifying during “ litigations”
Ex was able to swindle the evaluator and was written false statements about me not disclosing the abuse to my doctor which I DID.
Court system is heavily flawed and psychological testing does not diagnose an abusive ex eso if his plan was to align ppl with his “ fake “ answers / collaterals along w the MMPI tests they use.
It’s insane and I’m not sure why judges don’t see that chain of power n control in way these abusers use the system.
There should be screening in cases of filing ex parte s orders when there’s domestic violence .
I’m sickened that men r awarded in these cases.
I had given examples to the gal in areas of the inflicting shaming and humiliation which was documented but basically not taken seriously .
Not sure why they have psychological testing when their not equipped on covert control using the child who has mentioned hair cutting by the parent ( which is a form of gaslighting/ chipping away at child’s perceptions of not further “ grooming”
Child interviews child was only asked one question and not pursued further during evaluation.
Father would intentionally hang up the phone upsetting child where the gal reported father wouldn’t pick up phone.- leaving out things IMPORTANT things.
I’m disgusted
Father refuses to acknowledge he’s abusive n is playing the system as a poor me dad playing the alienation card.
No person should ever have to go through this 50/50 is NOT possible or healthy with a man who’s only goal is to make moms life hell and then turn around putting to mental health issues.
I can understand y protective mothers flee and avoid court they r not taking seriously n WHO is really taking the time jotting every incident or behaviors ( during the abusive relationship) that’s like me saying “ hold on let me write this down in case u take me to court”
Think the parent who is being abused is just going to try to please him or better yet leave but courts frown upon mom when who can independently encourage child parent relationship after father gaslight and uses child to hurt mom to then call mom unstable.
There’s some serious issues that courts need addressing
I will NEVER back down or be silenced by an evaluator, judge or to the person that inflicted emotional chaos intentionally to try to destabilize my perceptions and memories.
One of your books and quotes” a good father DOESNT abuse the mother”
Children who are intentionally confused and having their perceptions altered is a way these men brainwash and alienate the children from the mother the one who carried and was their rock .
Thank you Lundy !!!
Your work and research Makes a difference and your books HELP identify certain behaviors That r not in the best interest of the child if not harmful even if the courts wants to ignore the effects of having an abusive ex to share a child with.
Please contact TINA SWITHIN of One mom’s battle. She is doing great work for women like you.
This blog is so true!
Your book helped me to get out and stay out for over 10 years! Thank you on behalf of those that are trying to understand this world and those that are on the inside trying to get out. Keep up the good work!
Well said
Dear Lundy, thank you a million for this writing. It all makes sense and answers our endless wonderings 🙁 My abusive ex partner has “moved on” and remarried, yet still hates me to no end… and uses our children just as you described… I pray for A life free of him… Forever grateful for you and all that you do for battered women. What blessing it is to have found you and your work, and your words that guide us and encourages us. May you live long, healthy and happy life and continue to save millions more hearts and lives. ??
Would you suggest then that the way he treats our daughter is because he’s angry at me? I managed to leave with my kids in 2000 after my son completed suicide. My daughter is now 26 years old and gets completely fucked up everytime she sees him.
Christie Thomas
christiethomas177@gmail.com
Absolutely, they loathe themselves so anyone they come across will feel their wrath.
My husband attacked my 22 year old stepson today , so harshly ….I know it has alot to do with me leaving him 3 weeks ago….after 14 years of abuse….so I too fear for my little boys as at some point they too will be treated the same…..my eldest stepson 28 cut all ties with him after he always made him feel inadequate.
yes he hates me because he likes to push me around and thinks hes right at all things in life when it takes 2 people to work out a problem
Lundy, you mentioned the possible description ‘prose-poem,’ and I’m glad, because I was going to say – you told me you write about a poem a year, and if this isn’t it, you should make that two. What a gorgeous, powerful, gripping and accurate poetic painting. I hope you write this way more and more! It’s a language the heart understands, tries to speak.
Lundy, wow! Tirade, rant, prose, your books..no matter your approach, God you just GET it. Spot on. I cannot begin to tell you how validating it is to have your words, your voice—telling it, feeling it, and raging about it. I’m so grateful to have made it to the March 2020 retreat, and that we all barely “snuck it in” before the entire world shifted and travel halted. Keep it coming!
Domestic terrorism – is the real virus. I’m curious if you could speak to these situations where a mom has been alienated and estranged after the husband/ now former husband abducted and kidnapped our minor daughters. He claimed abuse then neglect and was able to use state funding in Texas for his getaway while preventing me from using funding for legal aide after being a 18 year stay at home mom and as a primary full time caregiver for our special needs child. I was left with no financial means, and no transportation and he was able to use legal aide with his job thus causing preventing me to use legal aid due to a conflict of interest. He abducted and kidnapped our daughters and he and the system has estranged our daughters from me for over three years while he kidnapped them to another state. Our handicapped daughters health regressed and beyond declined. What a horrific form of domestic terrorism and psychological trauma abuse.
Dear Dr. Bancroft,
I am separated ten months from a man described EXACTLY in your book “Why does he do that?” I gave him my purity, my innocence, my fidelity, my trust, my forgiveness, and four wonderful, successful children. It was a forty year relationship starting in my teen years and a thirty four year marriage. I was his prey, being seven years younger! I finally walked away with the BLESSING and SUPPORT of all the children, who also are at their limit and have cut him out of their lives. I was the abused spouse EXACTLY like you stated in your book. He leaned heavily on religion to justify his abuse of me and our children. Up until a year ago I was still making the daily painful effort to stay in the marriage in order to please God, but my children all counseled me to end it. They are grown and don’t see my need to sacrifice to keep the family together anymore.
I bought your books “Why does he do that”, “Daily Wisdom”, and “When dad hurts mom” in print plus in audio. They are helping me me each day to leech guilt out of me bit by bit. I am determined to enjoy the rest of my life. I am free!
THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart.
Well, you are doing a good job waging a war with your words! Your books helped me sort through the greatest trial of my life. As far as fixing the situation, they say an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. I have been condensing my daily journal entries into a book about my 14-year marriage to an emotionally abusive man. I hope it is entertaining and subtly educational. We need to empower teenagers and young adults to decide they will not accept poor treatment! I would love to collaborate with you if you are interested.
Lundy, the need for abusive men to consume and erase women reminds me so much of the way a Narcissistic parent approaches a child. Seeing the child not as a separate person, but as a limb that is misbehaving, and feeling rage when the child attempts to separate. I certainly experienced this in my own childhood.
Speaking of which, as a survivor of both childhood and relationship narcissistic abuse, I’ve decided to write a book on the subject. I’m wondering… would you be willing to look over my outline to tell me if I’m on the right track with my writing and research? If so, you can write to me at the email address below.
If not, I understand. You do important work, and a lot of it, and I imagine your plate is full! Thanks so much for everything you do. — SJ, Narcissistic abuse survivor, writer, and former North Hampton resident.
Hey I’ve just cut from my abusive partner that had violent outburst twords me throughout our 4 year relationship he continues to see it as an us problem and gives different excuses including me being one as to why he is violent twords me at times he always assured me that it won’t happen again however throughout the four years he never kept to his promises there have been other issues mainly with his controlling behaviour. I have come to terms that he is not going to change and ultimately sees nothing wrong with his behavior. However I feel like I can’t function in the world without him I feel totally alone hurt confused and afraid of the future
For anyone reading this: There’s a program in many states called the Victims Compensation Fund or something like it. In my state they reimburse women leaving or having to move because of abusive men, stalkers, etc. up to $5000 for first months rent or a security deposit and moving expenses. Hope this helps someone.
Hey Lundy, could you say “women” instead of “females” as a noun? It bothers lots of women. Thanks!
I finally get it now.
I read your book, “Why Does He Do That?” and am currently reading the companion to that (“Daily Wisdom for WDHDT?”). I can’t even begin to explain how much these books have helped/are helping me.
After I read, “WDHDT?,” I thought that my husband could change — that he could change his attitudes if he could just become aware of them. I was certain that he didn’t really strive to be that kind of man that he is. I was naive and hopeful. I was wrong. I knew that I had nowhere to go, no family, no friends, no job, no prospects for a job. I had to remain naive and hopeful because I knew that I needed to stay here with him if I wanted a roof over my head. “WDHDT?” told me what I needed to know. Had I had the means to leave, I would have allowed myself to face facts.
Then I began reading, “Daily Wisdom for WDHDT?,” reading it as you suggest in the book: one chapter at a time on a daily basis. But then I decided to just read it through as I would read a book; and it has really opened my eyes. As I read chapter after chapter, it describes daily life with my husband. It’s as if you know him and know me, as if I have explained my life to you and you are giving me advice based on what I’ve told you, even though we have never spoken or met.
When I started reading, “Daily Wisdom” as a book rather than as a daily reading, I realized that my husband will never change. That’s why I came on here to your site just now. And now after reading this blog entry, I finally get it. Wow!
Your books describe his behavior toward me so perfectly, as if you knew him. But what you wrote here explains parts of his behavior that still baffled me to some extent – for example, I now know why it is that back when I used to sleep in the same room with him and I would try to tell him about a dream I had just had, he would cut me off so that I was not permitted to tell him my dream, and he would instead talk over me to tell me what HE had dreamed about.
And before I had found out what he’s been up to (not only porn, but actively searching for scantily-clad pictures of old girlfriends and of other women, which explains his PIED and our sexless marriage) — back when I knew he was taking care of his own needs without caring about my needs, but before I knew what he was actually doing and with whom — I had asked him why he would do that when I’m home? He answered with a sneer, “You’re ALWAYS home.”
It explains also why, when I first met him and told him that I wanted him to call me by a shortened form of my name, he replied, “I’m going to call you ‘honey.’” He replaced “honey” at some point down the line with a pet name and even went so far one time, when he had been unable to get my attention, to say, “I called out your name.” I said that he hadn’t called out my name, and he replied with his usual tone, “I called out your name. I called out ‘[pet name].’
My point: What you wrote here is chilling, and true. I thought I understood, but now I really get it. This is a real light-bulb moment for me. I know I need to leave and that he will never change and that he will never be sorry for anything he’s said or done.
The only problem is that I don’t have the means to leave him. I have no money, no way to support myself, and no place to go. Reading, “Daily Wisdom” as it is intended to be read (i.e., daily, one chapter at a time), is what I should have done because it would have enabled me to put up with his abuse until I could figure out a way to get out of here (by “put up with it, ” I don’t mean that his abuse would be acceptable to me, but rather just that “Daily Wisdom” would give me the strength and the resources within myself to deal with what my husband dishes out, including the rudeness and the periods of fake niceness that he uses so that he can blindside me later, etc.).
So I am going to go back to reading, “Daily Wisdom” one chapter at a time, as it was meant to be read. (But if anyone does have the means to leave their husband and needs a prod in order to do so, then I would recommend reading chapter after chapter at once). It will blow your mind.
“And before I had found out what he’s been up to (not only porn, but actively searching for scantily-clad pictures of old girlfriends and of other women, which explains his PIED and our sexless marriage) — back when I knew he was taking care of his own needs without caring about my needs, but before I knew what he was actually doing and with whom — I had asked him why he would do that when I’m home? He answered with a sneer, “You’re ALWAYS home.”
YUP. Perfectly put, same here. Reading the whole book through myself, Lundy literally understands this and articulates this better than I could have or any other person as if he was a woman who went through this type of relationship, he GETS IT. I will be forever grateful to Lundy Bancroft.
Sadly, this is so true. Our custody evaluator and judge not only sided with him (even though he permanently destroyed the vision in my left eye by hitting me so hard and admitted this on the stand), they made me out to be a bitter woman who “insisted” on maintaining that he was abusive. They condemned me and my family for having “nothing good to say about him.” Incredible. And the judge and custody evaluator were both women. When I entered the “justice” system, I thought justice would be served. I couldn’t have been more wrong. I pray for all women and children in this position.
It’s so true , when I asked evaluator if she had background on domestic violence she could not answer.
She ignored serious things and put in her writing the same things
I had explained it is NOT a fair question to ask a person after ex partner deliberately tried “ altering “ by gaslighting/ intentionally feeding false information to then put to “ unstable”in there half truth affidavit s .
I’m so glad I found this page. The nightmare began nine years ago after a fourteen year relationship. He started cheating with his co worker who is eleven years younger. He brought her home and said she was going to live with us. I left with our two children out of complete desperation. Ever since the courts give him everything on a silver platter. He is mentally and physically abusive. Lies constantly, call CPS, the cops or whatever people he can to cause trouble. Uses my kids as pawns for money or whatever else he can. He makes them mad at me every time they see him. So I left a year and half ago and I haven’t seen my children since. My family was everything to me and all I had, but I gave up because I couldn’t win. It’s hard…
OMG. You describe so very beautifully what is going on. I started to cry, and then I felt sick to my stomach.
Thank you, you have helped me. Big Hug!!
There is a community/culture called Mosuo, in China, who have a matriarchal structure and I understand it is extremely stable and nonviolent. Their structure is such that female clans own the land, there is no marriage, and children stay with the mothers and females. There are no broken homes! I have read some articles online about them. Their system seems to really work.
I posted a comment last year in regard to Part One (we never had children). Now I want to comment on Part Two, in memory of my husband’s mother:
When I read, “Why Does He Do That?”, I wasn’t sure if my husband had learned his attitudes from his father. But I’ve begun to rethink things my father-in-law said and did (to me — things I had excused at the time). I am now 100% certain my husband emulates his father (with attitudes reinforced by my husband’s friends and by the smut my husband watches).
My in-laws were divorced by the time I met my husband (31 years ago). And they have now both passed away (she died first). My husband and his entire family and extended family continue to put my husband’s father up on a pedestal, and continue to speak and think badly and wrongly about my husband’s mother.
I don’t think my mother-in-law ever really fully knew what was happening to her at the hands of that abuser. But now I know first-hand what was done to her. And now I believe I know why she gave up her son (my husband’s much younger brother) to his father without involving the courts.
My father-in-law convinced us all that my mother-in-law was…. I don’t even have the words. What he made her out to be, brings me to tears.
And it is accepted as fact that she gave up her son willingly, that she didn’t want to raise him (the child, now an adult, never forgave her for it). I can’t help but wonder if my father-in-law convinced her that she was not capable of raising a child at that point, or if he may have threatened her somehow. And from reading this blog post, I can see what the courts would have put her through had she tried to keep her child. I know what my father-in-law would have said in court, and how he would have handled himself.
And now I understand my mother-in-law’s motivation behind everything she did — why she kept trying to talk to my father-in-law after they were divorced (“wouldn’t stop bothering him,” is how her family puts it). She wanted a voice, she wanted closure. I’m sure she was never able to discuss anything with him during their marriage or afterward, just as I have never been able to discuss anything about anything with my husband.
My father-in-law destroyed my mother-in-law, and I feel like I am the only person who knows the truth of who that man was and what he did to her. She most likely didn’t know she was being gaslighted. So even when she spoke to her friends about him (she never spoke to me about him), I doubt she fully understood who he really was. But I can’t tell anyone. When I’ve tried, it was met with hostility.
The truth matters. Her legacy matters. There is no doubt in my mind now that my mother-in-law was a good person, especially before my father-in-law got a hold of her. She even had a disability. He sought her out just like my husband sought me out. These “men” are bullies and predators, seeking out the weak; and I so wish I could set the record straight as to what he did to her — the opposite of what her family believes and continues to spout.
The question, “Ever wonder why your abusive partner hates you?” really stuck out to me. My former husband was mentally and emotionally abusive in ever escalating ways. I finally left the marriage and divorced him. I thought, that since he clearly believed everything I did was wrong, that by leaving him, I was setting him free to have a chance at a good life. Stupid me. His hatred of me, more than 20 years after the divorce is still virulent. I know, because when I bump into him, once every few years, in places where I would never expect him, he exhibits it to me. It’s difficult to go forward, in some ways, knowing that the person I spent so many years with hates me. It helps me to write this, and to see in black and white, that he is still trying to hurt me.
For many years in these relationships we work so hard to “ fix” because we are convinced the problem can be fixed, we finally realize it isn’t us, it wasn’t us, and it never was about us…
Wishing you a beautiful road to healing.
Thank you so much. I wish I had this knowledge thirty years ago as I could have avoided or at least minimized the heartache. While it’s never too late, I do feel that a good portion of my life has been wasted by hoping and believing he might see the error of his ways. I have come to accept my plight, but I grieve for my now grown children and the happy home they missed out on.