Will he change? How will you know if the change is real? How do you protect your kids? And why the legal system is backtracking in this area.
Lundy Bancroft
Author | Workshop Leader | Consultant on Domestic Abuse
Why Does He Do That? With Lundy Bancroft and Sarah K Ramsey
Fascinating and very helpful reading as is the book Why does he do that? Has occurred to me though that one comment in the book so far as I’ve read, not finished yet, that says abusers are not sadistic (if I recall the words correctly) I seem to have some experiences with what I think is an abuser and sure seems to me he’s definitely sadistic. As you mention each abuser is a unique blend of various behaviors & attitudes & this one has lots of those mentioned too.
I’m currently reading “Why Does He Do That” and really appreciate the light shed on this very oppressive area of life. I’m wondering if there are footnotes to the statistics used in the book. I want to share quotes from the book, but not without first seeing the sources used.
To stay or to go?
By staying, I feel like a shield absorbing any potential verbal/emotional assaults hurled to my kids. I can step in and deflect the moment an encounter turns sour. It’s terrible they have to see that turn into an argument but I’d rather the hostility be turned to me showing that I won’t allow the kids to be treated that way.
If we are separated… who will be there to shield them?
Who will be there to stop the abusive criticisms or name-calling that will soon live in their heads played over and over that May then begin to believe about themselves?
What if he gets in a relationship with someone else that is weaker and takes the abuse and the kids see a woman not standing up for herself?
I’m so torn. The cons on both sides are horrible.
Solutions!?
I find all of Lundy Bancroft’s books helpful. I only wish that I had access to them when I needed them most. Regrettably, I did not find the right literature until I escaped.
I agree with the reader above who says her abuser was sadistic. Mine was definitely cruel and mean. He got his kicks out of being cold and calculated. He used punishment and blame as his primary modes of operation. Don Hennessey (How He Gets into Her Mind) says abusers are sadistic. Hennessey goes further and says abusers are all sex offenders. I agree with all of it. I have experienced it.
The thing I find most helpful about Bancroft’s books is how he tells us that the times between the abuse are part of the abuse because they are actually precursors to the abuse.
I was so confused during my marriage. I did not understand anything. My ex was so controlling and mean that I focused on trying to figure out why he was doing this and getting him to stop. I now understand that my ex was using the abusive behaviors to distract me from the bigger abusive issue (e.g., we did not have a marriage…we had a captive and slave master; I was not allowed a voice or to make any decisions; he was running my life; our relationship was based on punishment and blame; our relationship was a lie; he refused any physical contact whatsoever; he never touched me during courtship or marriage).
Lundy does not discuss degrading behavior. He refers to it but does not elaborate or describe it. I never realized until I read Lisa Aaronson Fontes’ book Invisible Chains that most of my ex-husband’s behaviors were considered degrading. That is why, when I speak of my ex, I often rattle through the litany of degrading behaviors he forced upon me. They are flabbergasting and so extreme, I know they will give the listener a flavor of my marriage.
However, upon reflection, the most devasting and harmful behavior was my ex’s refusal to talk to me or to have a relationship with me. We lived together for +10 years, and he only spoke to me during dinner. This makes perfect sense to me now. Why would he speak to me? He was not interested in what I had to say. I was not allowed a voice. He didn’t care what I thought or what my needs were. He had no intention of meeting my needs. I only existed to do what I was told.
If I tried to speak, he threatened to have me committed. I often tell people about his degrading behaviors such as his refusal to let me use toilet paper, or his refusal to allow me food and water, or how he micromanaged my every move. How he constantly accused me of having an affair, how I was always being punished for alleged wrongdoings, how he disappeared into the house when we were alone together, how he never came to bed until I was already asleep, and so on. He was definitely a sadist.
But the most devasting thing that my ex did was refuse to have a relationship with me. He exercised SILENCE in the way that Robbie Benson’s Rabbi father did in the movie, The Chosen. He exercised withdraw and silence as a form of punishment. He was trying to teach me a lesson, just as the Rabbi did in the movie. Characters in the movie claimed the Rabbi’s behavior was sadistic, because it was. And no one deserves decades of silence.
Any man who is married to a woman and who makes a public pretense of having a normal marriage, when in fact, he treats his wife like a dog and possession behind closed doors is sadistic. Anyone who creates a public persona of being an upright citizen and “Long Suffering Job”, only to be a closet sadist behind doors is a liar. I can only be thankful that I got away from him alive, even if I have C-PTSD today. It is better than being his captive, ending up dead, or being committed to an institution against my will.